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by nike75
Summary: Summary: post-"47 seconds" fic, spoiler/speculation for "The Limey" and the basic idea for "Headhunter." Kate and Rick aren't the only ones affected by the bomb of her secret.
1. Captain Gates

This is my first Castle-fanfic with several chapters. Again, English isn't my first language, so thanks to **Angie** for beta-reading and the encouragement.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><strong>Reactions<strong>

_Chapter 1 – Captain Gates_

"Mr. Castle, can I have a word?"

Castle looked up from his phone, having played Angry Birds for the last 30 minutes because paperwork really was not what he had in mind when it came to having fun.

"Sure."

He got up from his seat in the break room and followed the Captain to her office. He didn't dread those meetings anymore since lately she seemed at least to tolerate him. On his way Castle saw Beckett taking her jacket from the back of her chair and leaving the precinct. An uncomfortable sense of déjà-vu let him frown for a second but then he remembered how angry he still was at her. It wasn't his business anymore why she leaves work so shortly after lunchtime.

Castle entered the Captain's office, a forced smile on his face. Everything was forced these days.

"Take a seat, please."

"I'd rather stand."

Captain Gates paused for a moment, taking in the man standing before her. He lacked the usual charming and easy-going smile, and behind the cocky attitude of his short answer he looked tired. He looked as tired as the cop she just sent home early.

"Listen, Mr. Castle, I don't know what happened between you and Detective Beckett," Castle's gaze hardened at the mention of her name, "but I suggest you two sort it out because it's affecting the work of my people."

"There is nothing to sort out, sir," he said in an almost rude tone.

She looked him straight in the eyes for a few seconds and then she stood up from her chair.

"Don't try to play games with me, Mr. Castle. You have proven yourself a helpful member of the team in the last months, but I _will_ kick you out if you don't change the attitude you have going on over the last two weeks. No more showing up and disappearing whenever you want, leaving the people who count on you hanging – either you work with those people or you don't. I am not interested in the personal drama between you and Detective Beckett, but I will interfere when it affects her ability to do her job because she spends five straight nights on the couch in the break room rather than going home."

Castle looked up, concern fleeting over his face before he could stop it. Five days. He thought back to five nights ago, the night after they wrapped up the case with the British Scotland Yard detective – "The Slimey," as Castle called him in his head after he saw him flirting openly with Beckett.

Beckett came to his loft that night, wanting to talk to him, but before she could say anything, Rick had told her that there was nothing left to say, that he knew she lied and that he wasn't interested in her excuses. He saw all color leave her face, and she had stumbled, forced to seek support at the kitchen counter where they stood. His long trained instincts almost made him jump to help, but the boiling rage in him forced the feeling down. She had tried to apologize, but he had cut her off, and finally she had left his apartment.

Gates' voice shook him out of the memories.

"A word of advice, Mr. Castle. Inflicting pain on someone you care about isn't going to solve anything, especially not if it is about getting even. So, I suggest you rethink your strategy, because I will not sacrifice a damn good detective for your petty revenge game."

She looked hard at him, trying to see if her words had any effect, but Richard Castle had a superb poker face, and he used it much too often these days.

"Now get out of my office. I don't want to see you out there for the rest of the week."

She dismissed him, and Castle felt like a reprimanded schoolboy as he left the office. He took his leather jacket and went to the elevator, taking the same way out Beckett had earlier.

He didn't plan on coming back.

tbc...

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> I plan to do several short one-shots about how their fallout affects the people around them. Reviews are very welcome as I'm not sure if I get the voices of the characters always right. And I can't say right now if this will become a fix-it fic; I have to see where the characters want to go.


	2. Ryan & Esposito

**AN:** Thank you for all the reviews and alerts, I'm really flattered. **GhostWriterLost**, I really like those quotes. the one with "too much honesty kills you as quick as too much deception" reminds me of a movie I really like "Rimbaud et Verlaine" - it deals with exactly this scenario. So, thanks again all who read and comment.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><em>Chapter 2 – Ryan and Esposito<em>

Ryan watched Castle storming out of the precinct when Esposito came up to him. Without looking at his partner he asked, "Do you have any idea what the hell is going on between those two?"

Silence met his question until Ryan looked at Esposito, unsure how to interpret his expression.

"Javi...?"

"Sorry, can't tell you anything about it."

"Can't or won't? Do you actually know what is going on?"

"No, not really, just what Lanie told me."

"Lanie? Since when do you have heart-to-hearts with Lanie again?"

Esposito blushed a little bit.

"Uhm, since your wedding actually."

Ryan looked at him flabbergasted.

"Since the wedding? That was months ago."

Esposito just shrugged with his shoulders. Ryan shook his head.

"Okay, not going there right now, but don't think you're off the hook with this one. Tell me what _is_ going on?"

"I don't know any details but it seems like Beckett messed up _big time_, and Castle just can't forgive her."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when Beckett told us that she hadn't contacted Castle over the whole summer?"

"Yeah, but just she needed time, that's all."

"Um, no, apparently while Castle was begging her to live in the ambulance, he let it slip that he loved her. Lanie heard him saying it to Beckett again and again."

"Yeah, but Beckett doesn't remember anything from the shooting, remember? I mean, I guess she was slipping in and out of consciousness the whole time."

"In the ambulance – yeah, but Kate told Lanie that he said it before, at the cemetery, and she heard him alright."

Ryan looked at his partner with wide eyes.

"She LIED to him?"

"She lied to all of us." Esposito sounded a little bit angry himself. "And apparently, Castle found out."

"Ouch."

"If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, I love her like a sister, but tossing someone's feelings aside like this just isn't right. I mean, what is he supposed to think?"

Ryan looked pensive and answered: "He thinks she doesn't love him and never will."

"Exactly."

"Then why is he still here?"

"Simple. It's payback."

"And you're okay with this?"

"With the fact that he lashes out at her? I can understand where he is coming from. This lie, and the fact that she kept it from him for so long was a time bomb, and it blew right up in her face. But the way he's acting about it? Hell, no – he's fooling himself if he thinks this is the way to get over her. The only thing he can do if he really wants to move on is leave the precinct and get some real distance."

Ryan bit his lips, and when Esposito saw this he asked: "You don't think he is right to want to move on?"

"Well, it's not like Beckett's the only one with a ticking time-bomb under the table."

Esposito looked confused. "What do you mean?"

His partner took a deep breath.

"Castle is investigating her mom's case, and she doesn't have the first clue about it."

"HE DOES WHAT?" Esposito was dumbfound. "Is he freaking insane? And how the hell do you know about this?"

"Remember the case Mayor Wheldon was involved in?"

Esposito urged him with a motion of his hand to go on.

"Castle asked me to give him the heads-up if anything showed up with a connection to Johanna Beckett's case or Beckett's own shooting. When I asked him if _they_ thought there could be a connection, he told me Beckett didn't know anything about it."

Esposito groaned.

"I can't believe this. He is such a freaking moron. What does he think will happen when she finds out about it."

"Well, since they're not on speaking terms, how would she?"

"Sooner or later she will find out. The worst case scenario is when he gets himself killed."

Ryan shot Esposito a glaring look, and his partner amended with an eye-roll, "Or at least gets in serious trouble."

Ryan said softly, "She won't survive losing another person she loves to this. Captain Montgomery was hard enough, and he betrayed her."

"So, you think she DOES love him?"

Again a glare. Then, "Duh. Of course she does."

Esposito agreed. "Yeah, I know. So what do we do about it?"

Behind them someone cleared her throat.

"Gentleman, I don't think the city pays you to discuss the private matters of your colleagues and friends. I'm sure there is enough to do here for you both to be busy, especially since neither Beckett nor Castle are coming back for the rest of the week. Get moving."

tbc...


	3. Martha & Alexis

**AN:** Spoiler for 4x07 "Cops & Robbers"- I took a few liberties with what actually happened in this episode. I know it's not very realistic and may be a little bit out of character for Beckett, but I needed it for the plot.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><em>Chapter 3 – Martha and Alexis<em>

"Alexis, darling, I'm leaving for the acting school now. Have a great day!"

With those words, Martha made her way to the front door, waving goodbye to her grand-daughter, who was in the kitchen, making "smiley pancakes" - again.

"Grams, wait." Martha stopped and turned around.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"Can we talk for a moment?"

"Of course we can, my dear, you don't have to ask that." She paused and looked expectantly at Alexis. "What is on your mind, hm? College? A new man in your life?"

Martha's voice had a teasing tone, but Alexis just looked down at the pancakes and then straight up at her grandmother.

"I am making these," she made a hand motion to point at the pancakes, "for the sixth time in the last two weeks because it seems to be the only way to get a real smile out of Dad for a split second. So, what happened to him?"

Martha smiled sadly. Of course Alexis would pick up on the changes in Richard; it was a small wonder that it had taken her so long to ask about it.

"Life happened, my dear. Life happened with _all_ its shattered dreams and hopes. Now it's time for him to move on."

"Move on from what? I mean, he is still working on his new Nikki Heat book, he still goes to work with Detective Beckett..." At the mention of this name, Martha felt cold rage boiling up her throat. It must have shown on her face because Alexis stopped suddenly. "What? What did she do to Dad? Tell me!" Alexis was all but yelling at her grandmother at this point.

Martha didn't know if it was a good idea to tell Alexis what lay behind the change in her son. She knew her grand-daughter hadn't been happy to begin with that Richard had continued to follow the people of the 12th Precinct after the previous summer. And there was no way to know what Alexis would do when she knew about the betrayal and the pain this woman had inflicted on her dad.

"Grams? Please, just tell me?"

"According to your father, Beckett doesn't love him. But instead of just telling him as much, she lied to him. Now he feels like she's been stringing him along, because he thought it was just a matter of time until they could be, well, more than partners." Martha stated as a matter of fact.

"No way," Alexis blurted out, surprised at her own certainty. "I mean, she smiles at him all the time, she came to dinner several evenings, and they seemed to get closer and closer."

"Oh, well" Martha said, "she may love him as a friend and partner. Though, even that I doubt right now – you don't treat a friend like that."

Alexis looked puzzled. "Grams, why are you so sure she 'treated' him any certain way? Has anyone heard her side yet? I've seen them together, we both have, and I really think that she cares about Dad very, very much, and not in the 'just friends' way."

Now, this made Martha seriously curious. Was it possible that Richard and she jumped to conclusions? Would it have been better to actually confront Beckett with her lie and let her explain when she had come to the loft the other day? Martha couldn't help but feel a small spark of hope, maybe as small as a grain of sand, growing in her heart at this thought. She saw how much her son was struggling to let go; the dream of this woman becoming his still so alive in his stubborn heart.

Martha held up a hand to stop Alexis from throwing more questions at her. "Okay, I'll tell you – right after you tell me why you think Beckett loves your father. And don't give me those smiles and the cute little hand holding she does sometimes. Let's get real here."

"But you will tell me then?"

"Yes, I will. In this family we tell each other what is going on; that won't change now."

Alexis took a deep breath. She felt a little bit uncomfortable defending Beckett when her dad and her Grandma were apparently so mad at the detective.

"Okay, let me start with the fact that Detective Beckett was _so_ not my favorite person after the last summer. The way she left Dad hanging for all those months? Inexcusable. After that, I really thought he deserved someone better, someone who doesn't take him for granted. But he didn't want someone else and he said what she gave him was enough, so I accepted his decision to go back to work with her.

I think it was the day the bank robbery happened when I realized that she doesn't want someone else either. When I got there, Beckett was already there, trying to help. I snapped at her, made her feel like it was her fault that you two were in danger. I threatened her that if something happened to you..." Alexis looked at her grandmother, "She just took it, Grandma, she just accepted it and she made sure that I was never alone out there. In fact, when she came back from the bank after her stint as EMT, she took me with her into the command control bus, insisting that I had a right to know what was going on." Alexis had tears in her eyes when the memories of that day came back. "The moment this bank robber, Trapper M.D., I think, threatened to shoot Dad if the bus for their escape didn't arrive in two minutes, I almost panicked. And suddenly it was as if nothing else mattered to her than the voice of this guy on the phone and the danger Dad was in. Do you know what she did?"

Martha shook her head, remembering only the intense fear she had had for Richard at that moment and the one-sided phone call she had witnessed, which had the result of Kate getting them 20 more minutes and the compliment of her being a "hell cat".

Alexis continued. "She threatened to go in the bank and personally put a bullet through the guy's head. And trust me, Grandma, she wasn't kidding at this moment. She was dead serious."

"Well, I guess, she would do that for all her friends if they were in mortal danger."

"Maybe, but she wouldn't – couldn't – look for all of them like she did when the bank exploded. Seriously, Grandma, she looked as if her whole world had just shattered and disappeared under her feet and she wished that it would take her with it. That's the moment I knew, because Dad looked the same way in the hospital when she got shot."

Martha sighed. "Kiddo, I wish I could believe that,, but what Beckett did to your father you just don't do if you love someone."

"What _did_ she do?"

"She lied to him - repeatedly. He told her he loves her when she was shot and she lied about not remembering anything. Now, why would she do that if she had the same feelings?"

Alexis stood there flabbergasted. Everything she had just told her grandmother blew up like a cloud of smoke, leaving nothing behind but a bitter taste in her mouth. Her voice shook with anger when she asked her grandmother:

"Why the hell does he still work with her?"

"He doesn't anymore," said another voice behind the two women.

tbc...

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> As always, let me know what you think because reviews are a powerful thing ;-).


	4. Dr Burke

**AN:** **JasmineBelle7** and all the other reviewers - you really made my day. Thanks for all your reactions. Now "The Limey" was an emotional rollercoaster for me, so I'm sorry that the next chapter had to wait a little bit. This is very very short but I thought it is necessary for the story. _Italic_ for the person on the other side of the phone call. Here we go!

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><p><em>Chapter 4 – Dr. Burke<em>

"_Aileen, this is Kate Beckett speaking."_

"Ms. Beckett, you're calling to confirm your meeting tomorrow?"

"_Actually no. I am calling because I have to cancel the session. I'll be out of town for the rest of the week and I won't be available for some time. So, yeah, I just wanted to cancel the session."_

"You want me to make a new appointment with Dr. Burke for you?"

"_No, not right now. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can continue with this. I need some time right now. I'll call you."_

"Okay, I'll tell Dr. Burke as soon as he has finished the current meeting."

"_Thanks. Tell him thanks for all he's done for me these past months."_

tbc...

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> As always, let me now what you think._  
><em>


	5. Lanie & Jim Beckett

**AN:** _Italic_ for the person on the other side of the phone call.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><em>Chapter 4 – Lanie and Jim Beckett<em>

Lanie just finished the last reports for the day when her phone rang. She looked at the display, hoping to see Kate's number because her friend had avoided speaking to her over the last four days. Even when it came to cases, Beckett sent Ryan and Esposito to get the results from her.

But the number on the display wasn't Kate's, in fact she didn't recognized it at all, so she answered with "Dr. Parish speaking."

After a short pause a man answered _"Ms. Parish, this is Jim Beckett. I'm really sorry to interrupt your evening."_

Surprise colored Lanie's voice, "No worries, Mr. Beckett. How can I help you?"

Again, Kate's father hesitated a little bit. He didn't make a habit of asking people he didn't know well for help, but right now he didn't have much choice. _"I wonder, if we could meet somewhere. I need to ask a favor of you."_

"Sure, no problem." Lanie checked her watch. "I can meet you in half an hour at Remy's? You know the place, right?"

"_Yes, yes, I'm familiar with it. It's Katie's favorite burger place."_

"Fine, then I'll see you there in a bit."

"_Thank you, Ms. Parish, I really appreciate you taking the time."_

After Jim Beckett ended the phone call, Lanie scrolled down her phone list to call Esposito.

"_Hey chica, what's up? Missing me already?"_

Lanie could hear the smile in Javier's voice and some butterflies made themselves known in her stomach. "Javi, cut it out, we're at work!" But then, she giggled, "Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that Kate's dad called me a minute ago, and I'm meeting him later. So, I'll get home too late to cook, I think. You're okay with that?"

"_Yeah, yeah, no problem, Ryan and I will get a burger somewhere. So, Beckett's old man, hm? How did _he_ get your number?"_

"I have no idea, but something tells me that when Jim Beckett comes to someone other than Kate, something is seriously wrong."

Esposito muttered: _"Well, isn't there always with those two?"_

But Lanie had heard him, and while she agreed with a heartfelt, "Tell me about it," she also knew that things had gotten much more complicated in the last two weeks. "These two are just a hot mess." In the background, Lanie heard Ryan asking something about some reports. "When are you going home, baby?"

"_Ahh, Honey Milk and I are about to wrap up things in an hour or so."_

"An hour? Did you get yourself a new case I don't know about?"

"_Nope, but apparently Iron Gates sent our girl away 'til next Monday, which means that Ryan and I are filling out all her paperwork."_

"Oh, you poor guys. I'll tell her that she owes you when I finally get her to speak to me again..."

"_No such luck in the last days, hm?"_

"Well, you know how stubborn she can be..."

"_Not as stubborn as you." _Esposito answered, clearly proud of himself for the compliment, but then he got serious again. _"Listen, Lanie, Ryan told me something else that makes this whole mess even worse. You want to know now or later?"_

Lanie groaned: "What did she do this time? I'm gonna smack that girl. You know what? I don't want to know right now. I'm worried enough about meeting her dad. So, tell me later if it is important."

Esposito didn't dare interrupt her little rant to tell her that the problem wasn't Kate this time. _"Okay, I'll see you later and don't worry too much. They'll be okay eventually, they always are."_

"You're right, Javi. By the way, to answer your first question – yes, I miss you like crazy and I'll show you tonight. Bye."

Lanie ended the phone call and took her purse to meet Kate's dad.

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><p><em><strong>Half an hour later at "Remy's"<strong>_

When Lanie entered the diner, she looked around to find Kate's father. The last time she saw him was in the hospital after Kate's got shot. She remembered waiting with him for several hours until Kate was stable. It was the worst night Lanie ever had, and she couldn't even imagine how hard it must have been for Jim Beckett. Almost losing his daughter after he already lost his wife to a violent death must have been unbearable. After a moment, she saw him standing up in a booth near the window. Unbeknownst to him, he had chosen the same booth Rick and Kate spend more than one evening in with each other after a hard case.

Lanie walked up to him, greeting him friendly.

"Mr. Beckett, nice to see you."

"Jim, please," he corrected.

"Lanie," she reciprocated, grateful the courtesy titles were over with. She hated them.

"Lanie, I really want to apologize for intruding your evening. I'm sure you have other things to do."

"It's absolutely fine, I don't mind."

They both set down and an awkward silence settled between them until both of them spoke at the same time:

"What can I get you to eat?"

"What can I help you with?"

They laughed, and the awkwardness disappeared.

"Thanks, I'll take a milk shake and some fries, that's all."

"Okay, let me just place the order."

Jim gave the young waiter a sign, and he came over to take their orders. After the boy disappeared, Kate's father cleared his throat.

"I'm sure you wondered why I had your phone number."

"Yeah, a little bit."

"Katie gave it to me during the summer as an emergency call number. You know, she locked herself more or less in my cabin and sent me away. Of course, I looked after her every day, but sometimes she didn't even see me, especially the first few weeks when she was sleeping so much. But she gave me your number, telling me that if anything went wrong, you would help, no questions asked."

"Of course I would," Lanie said with a soft voice. "So, what can I help you with?"

"Well, I usually make it a point to not interfere in my daughter's life. There was only one time before when I met with one of Katie's friends behind her back."

Lanie looked at him, the question mark clearly on her face.

"I went to Rick Castle almost a year ago to ask him to convince Kate to back off the case of the escaped prisoner. Not that it helped anything, stubborn as she is." Jim's voice was a mix of bitterness and resignation. Then he continued hastily. "Not that I think that Katie is in _that_ kind of danger again right now, but I know something serious is going on with her. As I said, normally I respect my daughter's privacy very much, but I hoped you could shed some light on whatever happened between Rick and Kate. It's not just that she doesn't talk about him anymore like she normally does; it's something more, but I just can't put my finger on. Last summer I almost lost her for good. I can't just watch her crawl back into the shell she was hiding in for so long after her mom's death. So, do you know what happened?"

"Yes, I know, and I'm afraid that it is mostly Kate's fault. She lied to him about something important, and it hurt him very much. And now he is pulling away and she doesn't know how to fix it. I don't think we can help there. They have to work it out by themselves."

"I know that my daughter isn't easy to get to know, and she isn't easy as a friend. But I don't believe for one second that she hurt Rick Castle intentionally. She had to have a reason to lie."

"I'm sure she had her reasons, Jim, but it isn't easy to see how they weren't mostly for her own benefit. And it made Castle believe that she doesn't love him and she never will. I can't say I blame him for the thought."

"So, she lied about her feelings for him?"

"It's a little more complicated."

"Complicated or not, let me tell you a few things about my daughter, and then I'll tell you a little story about last summer."

Lanie nodded. She was curious, because even in the last weeks when she and Kate met more for a glass of wine and some girl talk, her friend had avoided talking about what she went through during the summer.

Jim continued:

"As I said, I drove her to my cabin, and she sent me away after a week when she settled in and could move around enough to not need help with the most simple things. Katie was always stubborn, even as a kid, but after my wife's death she became self-sufficient to an extreme. A huge part of this is my fault because I became an alcoholic, and on top of dealing with her mom's sudden and violent death, she had to look after me. So, Katie made it part of her most basic being not to need anyone or anything but herself and her job. There was one exception though – books. Lots and lots of books. She buried herself in them to escape the real world for a little while, and I think those books saved her back then."

He paused for a moment before collecting his thoughts and continuing, "So, when we got to the cabin, I asked her which books I should bring for her to read during her recovery. And she said 'none.' To say I was shocked is an understatement. When I asked her why, she answered that she had to think things through and she couldn't afford the distraction. She started to write letters. Whenever I came to check on her I found new ones on the kitchen table. And each one of them was addressed to Richard Castle. I don't think she ever sent them to him, nor do I think he knows they even exist. Then, one day she stopped writing them. You know when?"

Lanie shook her head.

"She stopped writing them the day "Heat Rises" was published, and she asked me to get her a copy. It was the only book she read the whole time, again and again. I watched her one day with it, and she cried silently over the ending. The next day, she packed up her things and returned to the city. I know my Katie, Lanie, and I know for sure that she loves this man like she's never loved anyone else before."

Lanie had tears in her eyes. She wished Kate would have told her just once how hard that summer had been on her. Hell, she wished Kate would have told Castle about it because then they wouldn't be in this whole mess.

"So, what do you want me to do?" The tears made Lanie's voice raw.

"Katie called me today and asked me for the keys to the cabin. When I asked her what is going on she said that she needed some time alone. Apparently, her Captain sent her away for the rest of the week, and she wants to lock herself up again there. And as much as I understood this after she was almost killed, I don't think it is a good idea right now."

"Why don't you go with her?"

"Kate would never accept that. She loves me, and I love her very much but our relationship is complicated as well and I accepted over the time that she won't rely on me when it comes to those things. She may ask for some advice and she may talk to me about things, but she won't lean on me when it comes to this."

Another pause, and then he got to the heart of the matter, "What I'm asking you to do is not to let her out of the city. I watched her walls crumble over the time since Rick Castle entered the picture, but I'm afraid if she hides inside herself this time, she won't come back out. And I don't want my kid to live half of a life because she is too afraid to let herself feel a love this strong. Her mom wouldn't have wanted that for her because that's what Johanna and I had. And as much as it still hurts that she is dead, the years we spent together were worth every single moment of pain that came afterward."

Now, Lanie was nearly crying openly.

"You know, I think you underestimate yourself. I think you can teach your daughter a lot of things, and in the end she will listen to you. But I see that it's a case of urgency right now, so I'll find a way to keep her here. And damn, I'm gonna smack her if she lets Rick Castle slip through her fingers. If she is stubborn enough to take me on, she is stubborn enough to fight for him, or I'll be damned."

Jim laughed. He was glad that he had called the feisty doctor; she was a great friend for Kate, and he didn't doubt that his daughter wouldn't stand a chance against her.

"I have to thank you for your time, Lanie."

"You don't have to thank me. _I_ have to thank you because I think I understand Kate now a lot more than before." She winked and added, "If she gives you any problems when you decide to talk to her about all this, call me. We'll straighten her out."

Jim laughed, and at that moment, Lanie saw the similarities between father and daughter – they didn't show their emotions very often, but when they did it was beautiful.

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><p><em><strong>An hour later at Lanie's apartment<strong>_

Lanie tried to call Kate for the fourth time, but again her call went directly to voice mail. Finally, Lanie snapped: "Listen, Katherine Beckett, if you don't call me back in the next 30 minutes, I'll call traffic and tell them to lock down your car. You're not going anywhere before you speak to me, is that clear? Call me and then I'll come over. I'm warning you, Kate, don't think I won't do it."

tbc...

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> Please leave a short comment, so I know if this works for you. Next chapters coming up we finally get Rick and Kate into the game.


	6. Rick vs Kate

**AN I:** So, here we go, the first glimpse at Rick and Kate directly. Let's see how they're doing. _Italic_ for the person on the other side of the phone call.

**AN II:** Thank you all for the reviews, and allert messages I found in my mailbox. It really helps my motivation to continue with the writing.

**RickBeckett** Since Dr. Burke mainly serves as a mirror for Kate's thoughts and struggles, I found it more interesting to take a look at her directly instead of Dr. Burke. He will come up again in the epilogue though. Thanks for your thoughts!

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><em>Chapter 6 – Rick  Kate_

_**7 p.m. - Rick's office**_

He stared at the illuminated murder board with her face right at the center – just like she had been the center of his life in the last four years. Working with her had given him inspiration and purpose and the fulfillment of his need for justice beyond the pages of his books.

But he didn't need _her_ to get this satisfaction anymore, right? He could follow someone else to get the same inspiration. Well, maybe not the _same,_ but right now he craved writing some badass male character – no deep and complicated feelings, no sacrifices, just the raw power of testosterone-filled action. That's what he needed right now.

It was funny that it took only one single phone call to the Captain of the 8th Precinct to get him a new partner assigned. Detective Slaughter – expert in gang violence – so cool. The opportunity to get the precinct mentioned in the press worked every time as bribe.

Because yes, Richard Castle, multimillionaire extraordinaire, was back in the press.

In the last two weeks the paparazzi had had a field day with him – a spontaneous trip to Vegas, including an evening at a high-priced strip club, every evening dinner at another famous restaurant in the city – of course each time with a different woman on his arm. Richard Castle filled Page Six again, and life was good. Life was _really _good.

Except. It was not.

Not when he had to see her every day, not when he had to watch her in a breathtaking dress on the arm of another man, not when she twirled her hair like a shy school girl when she and "Slimey" took off to their undercover mission.

Rick had thought that throwing all his anger at her when she finally came to speak to him after that case would help. And it did help. It did help for exactly those five minutes between her realizing why he was acting so strangely and the click of his front door when she left.

A knock on the door frame shook him out of his thoughts. His mother stood there, watching him.

"How long have you've been standing there?"

"Just a minute or two."

"Long enough."

"Long enough for what?"

"To be justified to say "I told you so."?"

"Oh Richard," Martha sighed, "did you really think you could work with her, be around her every day and just not be affected?"

Rick closed his eyes. "Makes me even more of a fool than I already was, right?"

"Kiddo, we are all fools when it comes to love." Martha pointed at the screen. "You're going to delete that? Nobody has ever to know about it."

"I thought about it, but it doesn't feel right. I mean, she could stumble about something related to it and not even know that it puts her into their focus again."

"It's not your responsibility anymore."

"But it is, mother. It became my responsibility the moment when I answered that phone call and decided not to tell her about it."

"Then tell her now and let her make the decision what to do with it. It's _her_ mother, it's _her_ shooting – it's _her_ case anyway."

Rick stared at Kate's picture again. Almost every line connected with it lead to a dead person at the other end – Johanna Beckett, Lockwood, Raglan, Roy Montgomery...

He flinched. He didn't want to imagine a "deceased" right over the picture of the woman he still loved, no matter how much he didn't want to.

"Richard, it's not your story to tell, not anymore."

"But it was my story, or at least I was a big part of it for a little while. Now it's just the last link to lost magic and some shattered dreams."

"You're ready to cut it off?"

"Well, I guess, she will hate me anyway when I tell her that I know things about her mother's case and kept it from her."

"I think it should count quite a bit that you did it to protect her."

"She won't see it that way. All she will see it that I promised her we would do it together and I broke that promise. She won't forgive me for this, not this time."

"That should make it easier, right? You can move on and she will do whatever she wants."

Rick nodded, then he took some yellow post-it sticker from his desk drawer. He started to write down all the information about "Mr. Smith" and the connections to Mayor Wheldon's case. While he wrote, he laughed darkly at himself. It wasn't as if he had found out some real pieces of the puzzle anyway, just more question marks. He was a joke as an investigator – just a pawn in a game too big and dangerous for him. It was time to remove himself from the board.

Martha watched him for a few minutes, then she turned around to leave the office. Right before she stepped outside, she said: "Richard, you may give Kate the benefit of a doubt when you tell her about this. Maybe she will surprise you."

Rick didn't even look up when he answered: "I don't believe in miracles anymore, Mother."

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><p><em><strong>7:30 p.m. - Kate's building<strong>_

Kate had spent the afternoon taking a long walk through the Central Park. After Captain Gates sent her home, she needed to clear her head. The last few days, when she wasn't busy with a case, Kate had felt numb and raw at the same time. The fight with Castle circled in her head, and she was swinging between anger at him because he refused to even listen to her and a deep shame because he had every right to do that. She had no-one to blame but herself for this mess.

What had started out as the easiest way to deal with things when she lay in the hospital, just having skipped death by an inch, had developed into the biggest mistake of her life. She had chosen to lie because she didn't want to lose him, and now it seemed like that would happen anyway, like it would cost her everything.

Kate stepped inside of her building, walking up to her mailbox. She found some bills and an envelope with her name on it. It was the handwriting of her father, and Kate opened it. She found a key and a short note "Still wish you wouldn't go alone. Dad." Kate smiled sadly and muttered to herself, "Sorry Dad, but this is something I have to do on my own."

When she entered her apartment, she switched her cell-phone back on. After a moment some peep tones alarmed her of missed calls, and one message on her voice mail. Before Kate could stop herself, a flicker of hope started to burn in her chest. Maybe Castle had called, maybe they could finally talk and actually listen to each other. Maybe they could still fix this. But when she checked the list of missed calls, Kate only found Lanie's name and her dad. Disappointment swabbed through her like a wave of ice-cold water, and she had to bite down hard on her lip to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

Kate left her backpack at the floor and walked in her kitchen, opening the fridge, looking for something to eat. There were some leftovers from some take-out sessions, but they were at least five days old, and Kate didn't even want to imagine how they would taste now. She grabbed all of them and put them in the bin. Seems like this would be just another evening spent with Chinese food from her favorite take-out shop. When she grabbed her phone to order the food, it rang – Lanie again. She answered with a tired "Yes?"

"_Girl, I told you to call me back an hour ago. Do you really want me to call traffic?"_

"Lanie, what are you talking about?"

"_I left you a message on your voice mail. Do you even check your phone?"_

"I just got home and no, I didn't check the voice mail yet. So what was this again about you calling traffic?"

"_Never mind, I don't have to, because I'm speaking to you right now."_

"I still don't follow."

"_Girl, listen to me. Your dad came to me today. He told me that you're running away again."_

_Great_, Kate thought to herself, _I really don't want to discuss this now._

"_Why don't you just come over and we can talk about your options."_

"No. Lanie, listen, you're a good friend, but I'm really not up for another 'I told you so' talk. I need some time alone to decide what I want to do."

"_As if brooding alone somewhere ever accomplished anything."_

"Well, that's just who I am, isn't it? A brooding loner who complicates everything by over-thinking it."

"_No, that's not you, it's just who you decide to be when you come up against something that scares you to death."_

"Well, thanks for the analysis, Dr. Parish. I wonder why I ever payed my therapist."

"_Don't get sarcastic with me, girl." _Lanie's tone was getting into the seriously pissed category now.

Kate covered her eyes with one hand and sighed. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

Silence met her. Kate began to pace through her apartment, too restless to just sit on the couch.

"Lanie, listen, I promise I'm not running away. I just need to go back to the starting point of this whole mess. And since I'm really not fond of getting shot again and laying half-dead in the hospital, my dad's cabin seems like the best place to do this. I need to think this through and come up with some plan of how to fix this."

"_You really want to fix it?"_

"Of course I want to fix it. I don't want to lose him. But I have to be sure I'm doing the right thing – for both of us."

"_Girl, all you have to do is tell him how you feel."_

"Lanie, I don't _know _how I feel about him right now. That's why I have to figure this out. Alone."

Just when she said that, there was a knock on her door.

"Listen Lanie, there is someone at my door. I call you when I'm back in town."

"_Okay, just don't let it be another 3 months, okay?"_

"I promise. And Lanie? Thank you. And don't call traffic, okay?"

A little laugh came through the phone back.

"_Just promise me, you won't give up, alright?_

"I promise."

Another knock. Kate closed her phone and opened the front door.

"Castle..."

"I need to talk to you."

tbc...

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> As always I'd like to read your thoughts. 


	7. Kate & Rick

**AN I:** Thanks for all the reviews and alerts I found in my mailbox after the last chapter. Seems like getting Rick and Kate into the picture payed of. So, the next three chapters are all about out DD dealing with their stuff. I hope you like it_.  
><em>

**AN II: MiniWriter305**, you will find out what Rick is up to in this chapter, as well as Kate's reaction.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><em>Chapter 7 – Kate &amp; Rick<em>

When Rick stepped out of the elevator in Beckett's apartment building, his heart rate doubled involuntarily. He had never got this stupid heart of his under control in the weeks since he'd heard the confession that stabbed so deeply into him. How could it still beat so fast for her when she had broken it? He took a deep breath to calm himself down and walked to her apartment. He could hear her talking inside; apparently she was on the phone. Part of him was relieved – at least she was there. He didn't know if he could bear to wait for her if she wasn't. Rick caught a few words through the door.

"_Lanie, I don't know how I feel about him right now. That's why I have to figure this out. Alone."_

_Oh, that's just GREAT_, he thought, _she is running away again. Why am I not surprised?_

The thought cemented his intention to cut ties permanently. It just wasn't worth it to wait again and again until she made up her mind some years down the road. Silently he said to himself, _Let's get this done with_, before he knocked on the door. He heard her talking, probably ending the call with Lanie, and knocked again. A few moments later the door opened.

"Castle..."

"I need to talk to you."

Rick entered Beckett's apartment without waiting for an invitation. Just as he brushed past her, she muttered, "By all means, please come in, Castle."

The moment the words were out, Rick turned abruptly around to her and both of them stared at each other with wide eyes. What a difference a year could make. Rick recovered first, turning away again. Kate studied him, his tense posture and the clenching of his hands. She walked around him to face him again and crossed her arms before her chest.

"So, now you want to talk? I thought you'd already said everything there is to say."

He looked at her, barely containing his anger.

"Well, I was wrong, there are a few things left, but don't worry, I'll be out of your life soon enough."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate didn't like the words she was hearing, but it also made her seeth with anger that even now he wouldn't give her the chance to explain.

"It means that, starting tomorrow, I'll have a new partner down at the 8th. You won't have to put up with me anymore."

Kate stared at him, her mouth opening and closing, wanting to say something, wanting to protest but not getting any words out. Finally she asked, disbelievingly, "You don't mean that, do you?"

"Sure I do." Rick just shrugged his shoulders. "And, based on how we have _not_ worked together these past few days, I actually thought you would be relieved."

"Relieved, Rick, RELIEVED? Why the hell would I be relieved when my partner is abandoning me?" Kate was yelling now. This man was driving her crazy. How could he think she wanted him to go?

Rick saw all the frustration pouring out of her, but he just didn't care anymore and yelled back, "Beckett, I'm not a cop, I'm not a consultant, and I'm not your partner. I'm just a writer, just the plucky sidekick, as you were always so quick to remind me."

"Then why are you following another cop?"

"Because I need some space, and I can't get it when I'm trapped in the quadrangle of doom that this team is right now."

Kate stared at him, dumbfounded and silent. Tears were stinging in her eyes and she turned away, desperately trying to hide them from him. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself. Then she turned around again.

"Okay, okay. Time-out, alright?" She made the gesture for a time-out with her hands, signaling that she didn't want to continue this screamfest. This wouldn't solve anything. "Can we please talk about this without turning it into bloodshed?"

Rick grumbled, "I wasn't the one who started to yell."

"Touché." Both of them flinched. There were just too many words with a special meaning out there. "I need a drink. Can I get you something?" Kate turned around to walk into her kitchen, using the time to think how she could turn this fight into something more than just blame getting shifted around.

"No, thanks, I won't stay long," Rick answered.

She nodded. "Okay." Then she took a bottle of water out of the fridge, filled a glass and walked back into the living room.

"Listen, Rick, I didn't get to say it when you told me about knowing that I lied, but I'm really, really sorry for the hurt it caused you. It wasn't my intention, and I really have no excuse for doing it."

"Kate, I don't want to hear it, okay? I'm done with it."

She looked at the floor, again tears threatening to fall down her face. Then she gulped them back down, nodded and looked up to him.

"Okay, fair enough. Was having a new partner all you wanted to tell me?" She really wanted to be alone right now. She didn't know how long she could hold it together anymore.

"No." This time, his answer didn't sound so forceful, more hesitating. Rick took some post-it stickers out of his pocket and laid them on the table. "I wanted to give you these."

"What are they?"

"Information about your mother's case that I held back from you."

Kate didn't know if she had just heard right. Did he just say what she thought he said? There was a pounding behind her eyes, and she couldn't see anything but red. She could feel the room closing in, breathing just got a lot harder and she recognized the symptoms of a panic attack. Finally, she bolted to her bathroom, leaving Rick behind.

In the bathroom she collapsed beside the toilet, vomiting and crying until there was nothing left but a disgusting taste in her mouth. Pictures of the alley where her mother lay dead flashed together with the sound of a shot and she felt the bullet hitting her body again, and she could feel how the edge of her vision blurred until all she could see was the yellow tape from the crime scenes. Suddenly, the face of her mother changed into Castle's. Kate couldn't even scream anymore; she just moaned loudly. She desperately tried to remember the lessons she had practiced with Dr. Burke as part of her PTSD treatment. _Breathe, Kate, just breathe, in – out, in – out, yes, just like this._ Slowly her breathing returned to normal and then she heard a hesitant knock on the door.

"Kate, are you alright? Can I come in, please?" Rick's voice lacked the aggressiveness from before, but she really didn't want to deal with his pity right now.

"No," she bellowed, "just leave. Please, Rick, just leave."

"No, I'm not leaving. I'm going to add this information to your board, and then it's up to you what you want to do with it."

"Castle, I'm warning you.." Maybe this would have been more convincing if her voice wasn't just a whisper right then. "Don't go near the board." But Rick didn't answer.

After a few minutes, Kate pushed herself up, brushed her teeth and left the bathroom, hoping Castle would have taken the hint and actually left. But no such luck. She saw him standing before her murder board, pinning the little notes to it. Kate hadn't looked at it since the day Castle asked her to leave it alone all those months ago. She stepped beside him, watching him re-organise the notes to fit in whatever he had found.

"Since when?" she asked him and her voice sounded hoarse.

"Since you returned to the city last fall."

She shook her head, not wanting to believe what he had just told her.

"You kept this from me…"

"I kept it from you, and that makes me…"

"… quite the hypocrite."

He looked down, unable to look into her eyes.

"Yeah, I guess it does."

She looked at him again, searching for a sign that he wanted to explain but couldn't find any. He seemed resigned to the fact that this was it. The realization that he had come to her tonight to cut all remaining ties made her dizzy again. She couldn't face this; she couldn't let him walk away from them without at least trying. But trying how? What could she do to make him listen to her again? Because this was the end. Unless…

A small smile crossed her face. Unless she could make it a beginning. A beginning of being honest with each other and listening to each other instead of just running because of those fear-induced instincts.

Kate stepped a little closer to the board, studying every note and tried to fit them into the bigger picture. After a few minutes, she realized that there were no new hard facts, just more question marks. Somewhere out there was a file with all the answers she was looking for, but there was no indication about how to get this file.

Without looking at Castle, she asked,

"Do we have any chance of finding out who our friend 'Mr. Smith' is?"

Castle stared at her, dumbfounded. Why wasn't she mad at him? Why didn't she throw him out of her apartment? He stammered, "No, he is a "Mister X" kind of person."

Kate smiled at the X-Files reference.

"Well, let's hope he doesn't end up the same way." With those words, Kate closed the board, feeling Rick's eyes on her.

"What will you do with this?"

Kate took a deep breath. "Nothing. There is no real evidence or a real trace we can follow, so we let it rest until something concrete pops up. We're doing what you suggested all those months ago, what _I've_ been doing since then." She turned around and stepped to the couch, sitting down and pointing at the armchair. "Rick, would you please sit down? I want to talk to you."

"Okay." Rick felt paralyzed. Beckett's reaction had caught him unaware, and it didn't fit into how he had imagined this would go. He had been so sure that she would just toss him out and that would be it. He chuckled a little bit – leave it to this woman to surprise him once again. He looked up and found her eyes on him, cautious and hesitating, but with warmth behind them drawing him in again.

"Why, Rick? Why did you keep it from me?"

"To protect you." He blurted out. It was the only argument he had thought about beforehand, even if he only wanted to use it to throw it back at her expected raging outburst.

Kate watched him as he looked away and at her again, displaying a nervous energy that charged the air between them.

"Okay, I'll take that as wanting to protect me from myself, right?" She looked at him questioningly.

Rick just nodded but then he couldn't contain himself any longer and he just started talking. "We had just had that confrontation with the firefighter, and you were so raw and desperate, and then I got this phone call and someone told me that he could hold them back from you, that he had information that could keep you safe but only if you stopped looking for the answers. What was I supposed to do, Kate? I almost lost you once, and you still had a target on your back as long as you kept looking for the bad guys. And you just wouldn't stop; you were determined to knock over all the things standing in your way. I just couldn't…" His voice broke and he started crying. "I felt so guilty because I was the one who opened this whole can of worms in the first place, I was the one who held you back from helping Roy, I was the one who wasn't fast enough to stop that bullet…"

Suddenly, Kate knelt right in front of him, stroking his hair and his face, wiping all the tears away and whispering, "No, no, no, no, no, Rick. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault. Rick, please listen to me. None of this is your fault, you hear me?"

But Rick just looked back at her, his eyes so dark and full of pain like she had never seen them before. How could she have been so blind to what he was going through? How could she have been so absorbed in her own pain that she totally ignored what was going on with him?

"Listen to me, Rick," she continued to speak to him with a voice soft and strong at the same time. "You did nothing wrong, okay? You tried to protect me and you saved my life in that hangar. You gave me some closure when you found out those things about my mother's murder in the first place. It was because of you that I found her killer – Dick Coonan – and so I didn't have to wonder anymore about the senselessness of her death. She died because she wanted to correct some wrongs when she took the Pulgatti case. And you gave me the opportunity to find those answers. Yes, there is more to find out, but as you said, it's not worth putting our lives on hold anymore."

Rick looked at her, not able to believe what she was saying to him. All this time he had blamed himself and there she was, taking it all away – all the blame and the guilt and the pain.

"Oh God, Kate, I love you."

"I know, Rick, I know. I love you too."

She took his face in her hands and then she kissed him.

tbc…

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> So, what do you think? Realistic approach of the dealing with one of the secrets? I'm not sure if I handled the panic attack (or at least the start of one) right but I want to believe that Kate did enough progress in her work with Dr. Burke to stop it by herself. Tell me your thoughts in a short review if you like.


	8. Rick & Kate

**AN: **Thanks for all the reviews and the encouragement. I don't think we will see something like this on the show but I sure wish we would. As for the people wanting to see them get horizontal, I have to disappoint you, I just feel not comfortable to write those kind of scenes. I hope, you'll stay with me though until the end of the story. What? You thought this was the end of the confrontation? Nope, I think they have still a lot to discuss, I think.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Castle," and all the characters belong to Mr. Marlowe and ABC.

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><p><em>Chapter 8 - Rick &amp; Kate<em>

They were drowning. They were drowning in each other and they both refused to come up for air because it felt so good, so right, so incredible. But finally they had to let go, and so they did, leaning their foreheads against each other and just feeling the other so close, so perfectly close.

"I had no idea," she whispered to him and he smiled. A smile so bright that it lit up his whole face and let his eyes sparkle, and she absorbed the sight, having desperately missed it in the last weeks. "I've missed you so much," she said, finally voicing what was on her mind.

"I've missed you too," he said, his voice still raw from the crying. "Oh God, Kate, I've missed you like I've never missed anyone else before, and the thought that you didn't love me was unbearable."

She stroked his cheek, whispering "I do, I do love you, Rick." She was surprised how easily those words fell from her lips now, and part of her wondered why she had been so afraid of them before. She studied his face, his beautiful face, and for the first time she saw the dark circles under his eyes, and there were some pretty deep lines in his face she hadn't noticed before. _I've put him through hell,_ she thought and suddenly reality crashed in and she knew that they had to sort it out. As easy as it would be to just forget the world and lose control like they did when they kissed, this wasn't the right way. And she was determined to do it the right way this time. This time they would get all of it out in the open, and they would deal with it – together. Kate sat back on the floor in front of the armchair and cleared her voice.

"I think we should talk about this, Rick." She looked down at the floor, the feeling of shame making it impossible to meet his eyes.

Rick sighed and closed his eyes, "Yeah, I guess we should." He just wanted to forget those last few weeks, just pretend they hadn't happened. But they did happen, and he had thought he would never tell her again that he loved her, but when she absolved him from the guilt he bore for so long, he just hadn't been able to hold those words back. Even through all the pain she had caused him, she was special, she was the one to bring him so much joy, she was the one who touched a part of his soul he hadn't even known existed before he met her.

So, how could they get past those last weeks? How could they make this a new beginning? He could still feel her lips on his, and all he wanted was to taste her again, smell her again, feel her again. Rick looked at her, sitting on the floor, looking away from him again, a frown on her forehead, her eyes troubled and her hands fidgeting. She looked like a wild animal that was trapped and didn't know where to run.

"Kate? Look at me, please?" His voice was soft and tentative like he expected her to bolt at the next moment.

She shook her head. "I can't, Rick, I can't."

Rick slipped out of the armchair and sat next to her on the floor. He brushed the hair out of her face, searching for those beautiful eyes. What he saw in them left him breathless. A mix of pain, shame and fear swirled in her eyes, making it impossible to determine the color. The moment he brought his hand up to her cheek the words started to stumble out of her so fast he had some trouble understanding them.

"I'm sorry, Rick, I'm so sorry that I lied to you. I'm so sorry you had to find out like that and I'm so sorry that you had to think I didn't love you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't find the words earlier when it would have made a real difference and it would have spared you all this pain."

Rick interrupted her, whispering, "Shh, Kate, shh. It's okay, it does make a difference, it makes all the difference in the world for me."

She looked at him, not understanding how he could be so gentle with her when she had betrayed him so much.

"Why, Rick? Why, when I hurt you so much?" She stumbled away from him, getting up from the floor, shivering when she suddenly felt cold because he wasn't near her anymore. "You were right, you know that? Wanting to get away from me? Best decision you ever made."

Kate sounded angry and Rick was pretty sure that this anger wasn't directed at him but mostly at herself. He didn't want to fight anymore, but maybe this fight was necessary for them to move forward, to end this exhausting circle of vague statements and assumptions. So he asked her calmly, "Then why did you yell at me earlier when I told you that I would quit as your partner?"

Kate looked at him, taken aback. His answer shook her out of the self-blaming state she had entered when she realized just how deep the wounds were she had cut into him. Then she chuckled slightly.

"Castle, it's so not cool to use my own words against me."

He grinned smugly, satisfied with himself.

"Yeah, but it worked."

"That it did, indeed." She got serious again. "We still have to talk about it, you know?"

"I know. Why don't you tell me why you felt it necessary to lie about it in the first place?"

"You'll listen?" Kate asked nervously.

"I'll listen, I promise."

"Okay," Kate started but not really knowing how to explain this, "Oh God, this is hard." She started to pace around her apartment while Rick just sat down on the couch. "When I woke up at the hospital, everything was a blur. The pain pulled me under again and again, and the only thing letting me hold on was your voice telling me that you love me. I believe it was two or three days after the surgery that I woke up and could stay awake for more than a few minutes. Josh was there, sitting beside my bed and holding my hand. It felt so wrong, his hands were too big, his voice not soft enough, but he was there, and you were nowhere to be seen. It made me doubt my memories."

"Two days later I told my dad to call you, I wanted to see you, but I was also afraid of it. I didn't know if what I remembered was just wishful thinking by me or if you would regret saying those words. The moment I saw you enter my room I knew. I knew that you meant it, and there I was, Josh on my side, talking about some stupid bracelets, and I knew I would just hurt you because I was simply not ready for this. I panicked. The bitter truth is that I was too afraid to face the feelings between us, and I ran. I ran for three months, but I couldn't escape you. Your words were with me, _always_, no matter how much I tried to escape them. So, I came back."

Rick stayed silent, letting her words sink in. Finally he asked, "Would you have contacted me if I hadn't had the information about your mother's case?"

"Yes, I would have, sooner or later. In fact, part of me thought that nothing would have changed and we could just pick up where we left. But then you weren't at the precinct anymore, and Gates had let the case of my shooting go cold."

Kate walked to the window looking outside but not really seeing anything. Her voice shook.

"I wanted to tell you that I remembered, but I just didn't know how after those three months. You were already so angry with me, and I just knew that confessing this would mean losing you for sure. I couldn't risk it."

"Sounds pretty selfish to me." Rick's voice had taken a hard tone again.

"Yeah." Shame and bitterness dripped from her voice when she turned back to him. "I don't know how to ask you to forgive me for that. I don't deserve it."

After those words Rick stood up and walked over to Kate. She looked down again, avoiding his gaze, afraid of what she would read in his eyes.

"Kate? Look at me? Please?"

She gathered her courage and looked up at him. There were tears in her eyes, almost spilling over.

He cupped her cheek and whispered, "All you had to do was tell me that you love me. That's all I need to know."

She shook her head.

"Rick, how can that be enough? Really. How can three words make up for all the pain and the anger and the guilt I put you through? How?"

"I tell you how. Those words are magic, they are _our_ magic, and, as long as we remember them, we'll be okay."

Kate stubbornly shook her head.

"It can't be enough. I don't even know if it should be enough. I mean, what did this whole mess tell us? Obviously we don't trust each other."

"I trust you," Rick said, but there was insecurity in his voice.

"Do you, Rick? Then why was your first assumption that I don't love you when you learned about this lie? Why couldn't you confront me about it? And why did it take more than two weeks until we finally had this conversation?"

"I was angry," Rick defended himself. "I needed some distance, and I tried to forget all the hopes I had for us. I just couldn't imagine any other reason why you would lie about this, and it killed me inside."

"But that's just what I mean, Rick. Instead of asking me why, you chose to pull back from me without even telling me the reason. I just wish you would trust me enough to let me see when I hurt you so I can fix it."

"I thought when I pulled away that if I was important enough to you, you would follow me and tell me on your own."

"And I thought you were finally fed up with all my baggage and you gave up on us. Because while I may be 'fun' on occasion, I'm certainly anything but 'uncomplicated,' and I don't think that will change in the future."

Rick flinched at her words. He remembered saying those words in an attempt to show her that he was getting over her. He hadn't thought about how she would take that statement and, to be honest, at that time he was too angry at her to care.

"Not my best moment."

"I would say so. It hurt, Rick, it really, really hurt. And it made me doubt if you'd changed at all. Deep inside I know you're not that kind of person, probably never were, but my fears made me blind to what I know, and so I gave up, too."

"So, what are you saying here, Kate? That we aren't able to overcome our fears? That we should just let it go and move on? Is that what you want?" His voice was getting louder again. He couldn't believe the direction this talk was taking. Dammit, they had just kissed for real for the first time. They had just told each other "I love you" for the first time. And now she doubted all this again? This woman would drive him crazy someday.

"What do you want, Rick?" She asked him, a slight challenge in her voice.

"You. I just want you," he answered firmly.

"And how do you think this relationship would go? You following my every lead, giving me anything I want, sweeping me off my feet and basically being my knight in shining armor? Is this what you want?"

"Why is that a problem?" Rick's irritation grew. He didn't know why she made it so complicated all of sudden. They loved each other, which should be enough.

Kate threw her hands in the air in frustration. He just didn't understand. How could he be so naïve? This wasn't some kind of fairy tale, and while he may be Prince Charming, she definitely wasn't Cinderella or Snow White or Sleeping Beauty.

"It's not a problem, per se, but it becomes one when you don't make yourself heard when I hurt you. Because trust me, I know myself well enough to know that it will happen. It becomes a problem when you put my issues always before your own wishes, and I let it happen because you don't tell me what you want. It becomes a problem when your life revolves solely around me and you ignore your own needs."

Rick couldn't believe what he was hearing. Didn't she listen to him when he said what he wanted? He put up a hand to stop her rant.

"Stop it, Kate! Okay? Just, stop it!" They both stared at each other, breathing heavily. "I'm saying this one more time, okay? I just want YOU. That's all I need, that's all I want. Okay? I want to see you waking up in my arms in the morning. I want to bring you coffee just the way you like it. I want to watch some old con-movies with you, sharing the couch and the popcorn. I want to be the one telling you to let a case go when it's almost midnight and you're about to keel over, and I want you to actually listen to me and let me take you home. I want you to read my new books even before my editor gets them. I want you to play hide-and-seek with the press when we go to some public event so we don't end up on Page Six. I want you to sit down at dinner with my daughter and my mother and you three to gang up on me because teasing me is just so much fun. I want to play laser-tag with you because I'm pretty sure I can beat you."

Kate snorted, "Dream on, writer-boy."

"Writer-MAN, Kate, writer-man. Trust me on this." He winked at her and it brought a beautiful smile on her face. "So, what I want right now is to know what _you_ want?"

"I want you to be happy, that's all."

"Ah," teased Rick, "that's easy. I was pretty happy ten minutes ago."

Kate blushed and she had this shy smile on her face he found so utterly fascinating and adorable.

Rick closed the distance between them and pulled Kate into a tight hug. Slowly, he felt how she relaxed into him, laying her head on his chest. Without wearing her heels she was significantly shorter than him, and he liked it. It gave him the feeling that he could actually be strong for her when she needed it. Finally he whispered into her ear, "I am so sorry about how I've behaved these last few weeks. It wasn't fair, and I didn't stop to think about how much it would hurt you. I was trying to stroke my bruised ego, and I was too proud to give you the chance to explain. I thought I had all the answers, but I was wrong. Forgive me?"

Kate was silent for a few moments, and then she backed up a little bit to look into his eyes. She could drown in those eyes, clear and shining like a morning in the spring. Kate pulled him down to meet his lips once again, and, right before they connected, she whispered, "There is nothing to forgive. There is just us together now."

They lost themselves in the kiss again, their hearts racing in the same rhythm and their need for each other growing. It was as if they couldn't get close enough, and both of them shivered violently when they let go. Kate hummed into his chest, not wanting to let go of him. This little sound made Rick remember what Captain Gates had told him about Kate spending the last few days on the couch in the break room instead of sleeping at home. He stepped back a little bit and took her in more closely, searching for signs of how the last few weeks had affected her. She looked thinner, he thought, not quite sick-thin like she did after the summer, but not exactly healthy either. The dark bruises under her eyes matched his own, and he could see that she was running solely on adrenaline right now. Kate protested when he pulled away, and she reached for him again, which made him laugh a little bit. He took her in his arms again and started to walk in the direction of her bedroom. She didn't seem to realize what he was doing; she just followed him. When he reached the door to her bedroom, he said softly, "Do I get the permission to enter? I don't want to get shot, you know?"

Confused by his words, Kate looked around and saw where Rick led her.

"Getting bold, writer-man?"

"Nah," he shook his head, "just looking out for you."

Puzzled, she raised an eyebrow at him. He got serious again and sighed.

"Kate, when did you last sleep for more than one or two hours?"

"Rick, this is _so_ not the way to start this night."

"No, but it's the perfect way to actually end it here." When he saw that she was getting insecure, he laid his finger under her chin and brought it up until he could look into her eyes again. "You remember you want to know what I want?" She nodded. "Okay. I want to make love to you when we're both able to enjoy it, and I want it to last the whole night. Right now, you and me, we are both about to fall over, and we may stumble our way through it, but that's not how I imagined our first night together."

"I want you, Rick."

"I know you do, and I want you too, I want you so badly, but, right now, it's not the right moment."

She looked at him, and the only thing she could see in his eyes was love, a warm love, a fierce love, a patient love. It was love in all the facets she could imagine and it brought tears to her eyes. Kate reached for him again and buried her head in the crook of his neck. She could feel him stroking her back, holding her tightly. "Can you stay with me?" she murmured. "Do you want me to?" he asked back. She just nodded, suddenly too tired to get the words out. Together they entered her bedroom and lay down. They didn't even bother with their clothes, just collapsed on the bed whispering, "I love you," at the same time before they fell asleep.

* * *

><p>At 2 a.m., Martha was woken up by her phone, alerting her to a text message. She opened the phone and read the message from her son, <em>"Took your advice and a miracle occurred."<em>

tbc..._  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: <strong>So, the storm is over for now and they're getting some much needed rest. I have to be honest, this wasn't meant to be a fix-it story, I had a much more bitter-sweet ending in mind. But somehow I can't write those two characters apart. So, tell me if you liked it.**_  
><em>**


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